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lights off ;

you cannot know god from the devil

10/23/05 11:14 pm - farce

theres only one place it goes and i managed to get it everywhere but there. wouldn't be such a big deal except that the guys and i have been together for a long while so im geared to expect a lickin. as if i liked the carpet, anyway.

3am binging takes the edge off, yeah, rules the mind for a bit of relief. entertaing as fuck too but i hate feeling like i'm only enjoying it because no one is here to ridicule me.

i dont know how not to feel tense and bottled up like a dry cork. all these people standing around me like they are of importance, like i only make sense when they agitate me. unbridled enough to rip through any of their fuckin airs, but should it take that much?

they always bring the past back to me, i want to stuff it inside and put a lid on it before it puts a crack through the outer shell and bleeds into everything. then again, why shouldn't it? everyones' hands are already red...

i can't even eat in peace because the past is telling me it just wont work.

soon as i start seeing the glass half full they all start to wonder about me...

sometimes i want them to antagonize me, shake me up, then i'll have an excuse to blow up in their faces. they are asking for it and the obediant man can hardly be blamed.

10/21/05 11:51 am - inadequate

one of the the lesser known and pursued

killers of man

writers block

9/21/05 08:40 am - presumptuous

jesus. i touched the fucking thing. you act like i adotped it. had some mind meld and now it's my sun, moon and stars.

it's not an issue of happiness either.

begirdCollapse )

9/9/05 12:28 am - compass

sometimes i want to travel the world, return with the smell of it on me so that i may marginalize you in one whiff but we've never even known the borders of our own flesh...

give me a little latitude and i might be able to breathe on my own

8/3/05 03:00 am - sense

it smells like boredom

and sex

in here

__Collapse )

8/1/05 12:04 pm - deliberate

pants drag

societal dirt

borne ceaselessly

to have something at home with me

7/13/05 01:37 am - negate

the retrospective record must be scratched because all i am hearing is fucking noise

“The flip side of retrospectively savaging the loser is beatifying . . . the winner”

5/14/05 01:48 am - delay

2 words, one step

do not make me fucking think it for you!

5/9/05 04:23 pm - volume

i grabbed the mic the other day and instantly wanted to throw it out the fucking window.

i didn't.

because there was no one on the otherside to receive the infliction. where is my heart?

it's like this dream i had. i walked into destruction, as if attending a play, giddy and laughing as my limbs were severed from me in front of a curtain red as blood. it scared everyone around, except me.

when i woke up i had to down a gallon of water, lest i wretch for a fucking hour. i tried calling someone, which i hate. they didn't pick up so i listened to the dial tone for as long as it took for my ear to ache. funny thing, the buzzing sounded more pleasant than my own laugh...

5/9/05 12:15 am - doppelgänger

there is the me that they see.
there is the me that i see.

there is the me that society tries to create.

no one knows the difference. isn't in me to clarify. it writes itself in the white of my eyes... so too on my birth cirtificate, credit card and photographs, apparently. i can only wait for the pupils to be penetrated; puking viens of color and another signature that signs for me...

but... what will it matter to the colorblind? or those with no hands to sign, or even the ability to read?

count the rings in my iris, follow the curves and wallow, unless be white-washed. some number will come up, call it mine, still wont make it so.

but... what will it matter to the unquantifiable?

self destruct after realizationCollapse )

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